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Still figuring myself out...
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We are always running for the thrill of it, the thrill of it.


Walking On A Dream by Empire of the Sun

Lifted off my Multiply blog post:

It's 19:52 on my watch and I just awoke from my deep slumber -got to catch up on that don't I?
Anyway, if it interests you to any degree, I'm going to tell you how I spent my weekend, my Friday to Sunday..

My sister and I went to a YFC Camp -an org. mate of hers invited her so she tagged me along. My reason for coming was -for something to do since I have been nothing but useless and selfish the whole summer.
Now, I'll tell you about the better thing aside from the coming. It was, it IS the experience. It is just hands down, amazing. Life changing, I must say. I felt, I feel God's love. I believe God's love. It's not that I don't know he does but, I haven't really given it much thought, much contemplation. I've never said it out loud to myself before. It's like ...I'm finding it hard to explain in words... It's like, it just came naturally to me to pray to Him and expect Him to care, to answer my prayers. I've never really contemplated the reason behind all the blessings He's given me. But now, I know. The answer is obvious. He loves me.
[Somehow, Bella's epiphany of Edward truly loving her comes to mind. -You'd understand if you have read New Moon ...So where was I?]

God loves me. I know, I could never let you feel, I could never share with you how it felt, how that realization hit me, how it dawned on me when I told myself those three words. And the best thing is, I not only realized He does love me, but I also felt it. It gives me a high, really.

I have a feeling that I'm not exactly sending the message, or rather, the experience across but, most probably, you wouldn't... completely grasp how it feels, how I feel. You wouldn't be able to completely grasp or, to not put the blame on you, I cannot completely explain to you how it all felt to me because you weren't there to experience it for yourself. That's not your fault of course.

It was just magical, my friends, when you're with everyone whose purpose is to experience Christ. The talks are so truthful, you know? They were just plain facts. I'm so glad I've been told them.


I wish you would get the chance to experience how I feel -so do pray that there will be a camp this sem break (I know that's not very soon yet and that just somehow reminds you of school right now when all you want to do is forget about it). I will invite all of you.
Guys, I won't tell you what we did during the entire stay (or maybe I would later on) but firstly, I have a favor to ask of you. You know how sometimes -I don't know if it's often-, the aftermath of recollections and retreats and such (not that the ones held in our school compare to the camp I went to) you just have this feeling or motivation, or maybe, even a promise to do what is right or something like that and then as time passes by, you loose 'hype' or just plain forget that you said you would to this or that after the recollection? Well, I'm scared that it would be that way, you know? I'm scared that my 'epiphany' wouldn't last long. I'm scared that what I vowed to the Lord I would do, I wouldn't. So I need you guys to be my constant reminders. (It's sound like I'm using you.) I don't know how that goes but hopefully, you get the gist.

Actually, I've sort of felt this before -back in second year up to the early weeks -no, days- of summer- (I feel it now again and I'm glad). I know that I will be for God. I mean, I've told a few people about this already, or then again, maybe not. Please don't laugh but take me seriously. I've always wanted to be good, righteous if you would call it that. I cannot explain it fully, but back in second year high school, I just told myself that I want to be for God. Therefore, I will always stick to His teachings, to what is good, to what he told us to do. Guys, you know how concerned I get when one of you is feels down? Hmm...What I want to tell is, what I tell myself is, I want to be that instrument, who will give you hope, who would make you realize that, there is hope. I... when I comfort someone, when I show my concern, and in other such actions, the thought at the back of my head is,my reason behind that is, I want to ...persuade you into believing that there is hope. Because God wouldn't allow such. Para bang, gusto ko that through me, you'll realize that God loves you; through me, you'll thing to yourself na 'uy, God will never leave me nga, there is no burden he would give me that I cannot carry'. I want to be an instrument of God. You know, above all my aspirations, all the worldly thins I want to achieve, behind all that, what I truly want to do is live for God, to be for God. That is why I feel so proud to say that I am officially, a YOUTH FOR CHRIST -especially saying the last two words. The first word doesn't matter to me much. Basta, the last two words are the same to words -or maybe at least, at most, extremely synonymous to the words I said to myself back in second year, that I will be for him.
Did you kniow that, that same school year, I told myself that I want to be a saint? And I still do. Remember our class encounter this previous Junior year? We had this folder didn't we and you were supposed to write sort of what you want to be when you grow up I wrote in that sort of thought bubble or something else, 'be a saint'. Then though, we read the SME book this third year. And if you have read it, you'll know that at one point, MME said that she willingly let go of everything. Material possessions, personal aspirations and even valued relationships in order to completely offer herself to God. I remember clears telling God then na, 'Lord, wait muna, di pa ko ready.' So, I don't know what the future holds but I want to tell you all these, all these thoughts na sa sarili ko lang sinasabi (yes I talk to myself like this), because I want you to understand me, even just to a certain degre. So there, sharing.

I'm to visit our school tomorrow! Whoopee! :)

"Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain I'll kiss you in a minute If you'll only feel the same."
Black and White by The Upper Room


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